J'en ai rien à cirer

12. J'en ai rien à cirer.
pronounced more or less: zha nay reeyenh ah seeray
Variation: Je n'en ai rien à cirer.
Literal translation: I have nothing to wax from it/about it.
Meaning: "I don't give a fig." / "I don't give a rip." /  "I don't give a damn."
Implications: J'en ai rien à cirer expresses total disinterest -- YAWN -- about the person or thing in question.
Remarks: rien à cirer is good for those Karate kid moments when ya just gotta tell it like it is. Of all the familiar French expressions currently used to express the sentiment "I don't give a rip, rien à cirer is the most acceptable, in the widest of circles. As always, there are examples below. For a musical example by French singer-composer Claude Astier, you can listen to his song "Rien à cirer" here:  http://www.bide-et-musique.com/song/8801.html

Example One:
Imagine that your phone/Internet service provider is France Télécom/Orange, who ought to start billing for the story material they provide. Seriously. Par contre, you ought to send them a bill to recuperate financial losses caused by their unreliable service. (In fact, I once threatened to do just that and service was immediately restored -- a pure coincidence but a lovely one.)

You sit down at the computer early one morning to compose several important professional emails that absolutely must be on your clients' desk within the next few hours. When you click 'send,' your computer email program tells you there is no connection. Odd: the router box is flashing a green light for the wifi and general Internet. It's also flashing green for the phone connection, so you pick up the receiver to check. Dead. You check your router again, all looks well, but you re-boot just in case. To no avail. So you call 3900 (customer service) from your cell to ask if there's a problem with your line only or if it's a general outage. Madame FT tests the line and announces that there is no problem and no general outage either. Hmm, where have you heard that one before?

She asks if you've checked your computer. Is it on? You want to scream J'hallucine ou quoi?! but politely answer yes, of course. Next she tells you to re-boot the router. She must be reading down the list of stall tactics from her Customer Service Guide Book. You imagine "On n'en a rien à cirer" printed on its cover in big red letters.

Next she tells you that you'll have to re-initialize the system. You don't tell her, but there's no way you're going to do that because you're sure there's a general outage and that for some bizarro-world reason, the FT system isn't detecting it. Madame FT talks non-stop with useless suggestions -- pipeau effectively letting you know that this is YOUR problem and that customer service n'en a rien à cirer. Merci la France.

Example Two:
You call around to discover that no one else in the village has Internet/phone service, so you head into the closest city to send your emails at an Internet café. On the way, you spot a service van headed toward your village. Hmm. On the way home, you pass the van again, headed in the opposite direction. You hope the connection has been repaired. It hasn't. Your cell phone rings: it's the lady from Customer Service, asking if you've re-initialized the system and is your connection now working? No, you tell her. There is a general outage here, no one has service. Oh? she asks, please hold while I check the line. Yes, indeed, there is a problem; I'll notify our repair crew immediately. Is there anything else I can do for you today? No, thank you, you've done quite enough, I couldn't possibly ask for more. France Télécom customer service? Je n'en ai rien à cirer, Madame.

Au contraire !

11. Au contraire !
pronounced more or less: o conh-trAIR
Literal translation: to the contrary
Meaning: on the contrary, to the contrary, quite the opposite
Variation: Bien au contraire ! Just the opposite! / (It's) exactly the opposite!
Implications: Au contraire expresses opposition to a comment just made, either by you yourself or by someone else (obviously). It is used either to emphasize a point you're trying to make or to disagree with someone else's point.
Remark: Sometimes au contraire is coupled with mon cher.  Beware the temptation: mon cher can be perceived as condescending. In fact, it usually is condescending! 

Example One (underscoring a point you're trying to make):
Last week the Mayor's office called to inform me that my application for a work permit was incomplete. This did not surprise me, au contraire: it's nearly impossible to be granted a work permit without first having a job contract, which is nearly impossible to get without first being granted a work permit. And if you're a freelancer asking for a work permit, you first must sign up with the Trade Registry, which is nearly impossible to do unless you have contracts or a work permit! C'est n'importe quoi! Yes, but zeess eez zee French way.
 
Example Two (disagreeing with someone's point of view):
-French student, complaining: "English makes way more sense than French! French is impossible! I don't get it: it doesn't look anything like it's pronounced!"
"Au contraire!" explains the French teacher.  "Take a look at these frequently used English words: horse, worse, tears (crying), tears (rips), heart, heard, paid, plaid, pipe, recipe, wholly, holly, war, far, ballet, wallet, round, wound, stranger, anger, fury, bury, berry, bought, caught, doughnut, hint, pint, gas, and alas, Arkansas!"

Je n'en reviens pas

10. Je n'en reviens pas.
pronounced more or less: zheu nanh reuh viyehn pah
Note: the "-ens" of "reviens" is nasalized, as is the pronoun "en."
Variation: J'en reviens pas.
Literal translation: I'm not coming back from it.
Meaning: "I can't get over it," as in "wow/huh, what a surprise"
Implications:  This expression immediately positions the speaker's reaction to whatever has just transpired or whatever has just been said as unusual or even abnormal. S/he is surprised, astonished or possibly even shocked. Sometimes it marks disapproval, sometimes delight.
Remark: The pronoun "en" stands in for "my astonishment" or "my surprise" at whatever has provoked the astonishment or surprise.

Example One (positive reaction of delight): France's countryside is dotted with tiny villages, far from city advantages, such as libraries. Imagine our village library: the size of a large walk-in closet, shared with the one-room school, also used to store anything and everything created by the school kids over the past twenty years. Plus around two thousand books, most of which are not available because there's no room on the limited shelf space; many of the books are stowed away in boxes under tables and shelves in the "library," also at the Agence postale, the Mairie and in YOUR HOUSE. Je n'en reviens pas... OK, that's a negative reaction, but a great spot to plunk down the expression: there are boxes of books under my desk as I type. Finally, a 3-room space was renovated last year, top to bottom, and we shazam, we have a new library! AND it's beautiful. AND all the necessary equipment has been ordered: we're moving in next month!  Five+ years of blah-blah (tchatche) becomes a reality! Je n'en reviens pas!!!!!!!!!

Example Two (negative reaction of flabbergast): We decided to host a soirée théâtrale in the empty space of said library, awaiting delivery of shelves, tables, chairs, computers, etc. What better way to seduce future potential readers into the place? The Théâtre du vent arrived at 19:00 to set up. We offered to help; they declined, asking us to come back an hour later for the before-show apéritif (this is France, after all). When we returned, the empty space had been converted into a bedazzling, ruby-colored decor that provoked delighted "je n'en reviens pas" from each and every one of us...

Note: It fell to me to introduce the show, thank all those who had contributed to the evening...I forgot to thank the mayor, seated right in front of me...je n'en reviens pas !

Par contre...

9. Par contre...
pronounced more or less: pahr conh-treuh (in the Midi) OR "pahr conh" + just a touch of "tr" (Paris and elsewhere)
Note: the "con-" is nasalized
Literal translation: by against (double prepositions sometimes appear in French)
Meaning: "on the other hand"
Implications: Like en revanche, par contre is used in the same contexts as "on the other hand" in English. It segues into a statement that opposes the point just expressed, allowing you to perform a linguistic balancing of the equation.
Remark: Whereas the meaning of this expression is "on the other hand," it's sometimes better translated as "but" or "however," depending on the context. And there's a difference between your using it to make two different points yourself (e.g."I just found a great deal on a new laptop; par contre it has a French keyboard..."), and someone else using it to counter what you say. In the latter case, chances are you're being called out.

Long considered as "incorrect" speech, par contre now appears in the Larousse and other such dictionaries, as an absolutely acceptable alternative to en revanche. If (when) a purist corrects you, trot out the names of these well-known, respected authors who used par contre in their work: Tocqueville, Stendhal, Maupassant, Gide, Proust, Saint-Exupéry and Malraux (among many others). If that doesn't convince them, toss the Académie Française into the mix.

Example One: A wonderful butcher comes through your village twice a week, a real plus since you live out in the boonies. He knows everyone in all the villages on his route by their first names. In colder weather when the windows are shut, you sometimes miss the horn announcing his arrival. En revanche, if you're too under the weather to go out to meet him at one of his several stopping spots, he'll happily deliver right to your doorstep at no charge. And if you forget your checkbook or don't have enough cash on you to pay for your purchase, he just marks down the amount owing and lets you pay next time he comes around. Everything he sells is organic and top quality, too. Par contre, your money doesn't buy as much from him as in a grocery store.

Example Two: In late February you receive a letter from the ERDF (Electricité Réseau Distribution France) informing you that there's a 5-hour power outage scheduled for April 13, from 8:30 - 13:30. The letter further informs you that the ERDF will try to make the outage as brief as possible and restore the power ahead of schedule. The letter ends with a standard fluffy highbrow blurb: "Nous vous prions de croire, Cher client, en notre volonté de vous assurer la meilleure qualité de service." A perfect example of pipeau, this translates roughly into: "we want to assure our clients the best service possible."

OK, sure, they might like to look at things that way; par contre past experience precludes you from sharing their rosy picture.

The morning of April 13 finally rolls around. Everyone in the village and surrounding hamlets has planned their day around the scheduled outage: the Agence postale, boulanger-épicierie, Café, restaurant and  Mairie are closed, will open at 14:00 when the power is back on. Those who work at home have planned their days accordingly. The 5-hour block of time comes and goes without the power being turned off. Some assume all is well; par contre, you have this odd feeling...and at two o'clock sharp, the power goes out...

En revanche...

8. En revanche...
pronounced more or less: ahn reuh vanh she OR ahn reuh vanhsh
The "n" of en is nasalized, so don't let your tongue touch the roof of your mouth. Pronounced correctly, this expression is a mouthful of deliciousness.
Literal translation: "in revenge" (in some contexts, the French word vengeance is used to speak of "revenge")
Meaning: "on the other hand"
Implications: en revanche is used in the same contexts and for the same reasons as the English equivalent "on the other hand": to extend the discussion point with a comment standing in contrast to what has just been expressed. Clear? Not so much? Read the examples below.
Remarks: en revanche is widely used in both oral and written, polite and familiar French.

Example One: You're chatting with neighbors about the recent change in weather, basking in the spring sunshine so longed-for during the long, cold, dreary winter months that drizzled by so slowly you thought they'd never end. Sound familiar? Eh bien... You comment on what a beautiful day it is, what a pleasure it is to be out working in the garden, how fantastic the sun feels and how absolutely splendid it is to peel off all the layers of winter woolens and (ugh) fleece after all these months. One of the neighbors, a practical tenth generation Cevenol with a "life is tough and we like it that way" mentality , instantly breaks in: "Sure the sun is nice; en revanche, the garden needs rain."

Your thankfully voiceless thought bubble reads: "Well, shiver me timbers. J'hallucine ou quoi ? We just had two straight weeks of rain!"

Note: en revanche is usually followed by an element considered as more or less positive. Therefore you and your neighbor clearly part company on some of life's simple pleasures.

Example Two: It's local election time. Initially there were four contenders for a seat on the Conseil Général, now down to two after the first round of voting. The two remaining are friends of ours (not so much of each other): the incumbent F.M... and the insightful R.M... One initial and worlds apart, both would represent the valley well. F.M... is a seasoned politician, glib by birth. "Flexible" in his political beliefs, he changes political camps with the wind (read: where the money is, there you shall find him) and therefore has the support of all the major power players in the region. En revanche, R.M... is the one who will look after our cultural interests, make sure the library under construction for years receives sufficient financing to be completed and opened, finally.

Got Gaul Opinionator says: "F.M... will win; en revanche, it won't be a landslide.

N'importe quoi

7. N'importe quoi ! / N'importe quoi...
pronounced more or less: nanh por teuh kwah OR nanh port kwah
A literal translation is senseless for this expression, so let's opt for literal meaning: "anything." The verb "importer" in this case = "to matter."
Variants: C'est n'importe quoi !
Implications: This expression is an instant, negative judgment, a "put down," if you will. It's the equivalent of: "What bunk!" / "What nonsense!" / "Whatever..." or if you're from New England, "wadehvah." It's more a reaction to what has just been said than to what has just been done, but can be used in both instances.
Remarks:  N'importe quoi is not necessarily pejorative; it can also be used to mean simply "anything," in the sense that "it doesn't matter; anything will do."

Example One: You're out for a walk and stop to read the announcements posted on the board of the village square. One proposes an activity for this Sunday afternoon, from three to five in the village's Salle polyvalente (multipurpose room). Two euros for adults; anyone under 6 free... The event organizer is also its facilitator: the local restaurant's proprietor, better known for her avarice and empty headedness than her cuisine. The poster invites us to her slide presentation and talk on Spain, Goya, Andalusia and flamenco (both dance and music), followed by a no-host apéro and a dance lesson (rock -- je ne vois pas le rapport), using a DVD purchased at our boulangerie-épicerie. This is the perfect moment to mumble "n'importe quoi..."

(Apparently the rest of the villagers felt the same way; the event was canceled for lack of interest.)


Example Two: Unfortunately, numerous asinine statements (hallucinantes !) made on the heels of the earthquakes, aftershocks and tsunamis that hit Japan last week provide us with too ample opportunity to use this expression. This by Anne Lauvergeon, president of the French state-owned nuclear energy company Avera :"I believe we are going to avoid a nuclear disaster." Another by Eric Besson, French Minister of Industry: "This is certainly a serious accident but not a nuclear catastrophe." And from the WHO (OMS in French): "The public health risks are minimal for Japan."  C'est n'importe quoi !

C'est quoi le rapport ?

6. C'est quoi le rapport ?
pronounced more or less: say kwah luh rah-porh ?
Literal translation: "It's what the connection?"
Variants:
1. Je ne vois pas le rapport. / Je vois pas le rapport. = I don't see the connection (I don't see what that's got to do with it).
2. Il n'y a aucun rapport. / Aucun rapport. / Ça n'a aucun rapport. = There's connection whatsoever. / That has nothing to do with it.
Implications: C'est quoi le rapport? is the equivalent of these American English expressions: "What's the connection?" ; "Where's the connection?" and sometimes "What's your point?" Most especially, when accompanied by a scrunched-up face of unabashed disdain, it's the equivalent of: "What's that (expletive) got to do with it?" The speaker clearly finds the remark just expressed off-base, unrelated to the topic at hand. It is unlikely that s/he is actually inviting you to explain the connection. You're going to have to insist like crazy if you want to clarify your point, because it's already been discarded and possibly you along with it.
Remarks: 
1) These expressions are also entirely valid ways of sincerely asking someone to connect the dots. Any implication of judgmental exasperation comes from context and/or tone of voice.
2) C'est quoi le rapport? is familiar French. Its variants are appropriate in any context.

Example One: You're chatting in French with family members and a couple of their friends. One person keeps tossing in inconsequential tidbits -- asides that have nothing to do with the conversation, as if she were playing for points in an imaginary game of "how many useless comments can you come up with in 30 minutes to show off how much time you spend reading Wikipédia?" The musicians at the table start talking about performing their own stuff versus performing someone else's. The woman (who doesn't speak English) looks directly at you (who does) and says (in French): "performers who do covers face different problems than musicians who write their own stuff -- they call them 'song writers' in English."  Et alors? What's the point of saying "song writers" in English? Long pause, during which she's silent; she's waiting for something. What? It's highly unlikely that she's asking for confirmation. You respond in an even tone: "On dit 'composers' en anglais" (we say 'composers' in English) then add: "C'est quoi le rapport ?" She can't figure out your angle and remains, momentarily, speechless. Hooray. 

Example Two: You buy a large bar of dark chocolate at the local épicerie. Later at home, you open the package and find speckled, grey, unappetizing chocolate that has obviously undergone some severe temperature change. The next day, you go back to the store to exchange it (not a common practice in France). You explain to the épicier that the chocolate has gone grey and is therefore not desirable to eat. The épicier looks at you in disbelief and asks: C'est quoi le rapport ? His wife has recently used a similar grey bar to make a delicious cake, dark chocolate is for cooking anyway, not for eating." You re-phrase: "I bought it to eat, not to cook with." Him: "but you cook with dark chocolate; you need to buy milk chocolate if you want chocolate to eat." (Mais franchement, j'hallucine ou quoi ?!) You could counter with another "c'est quoi le rapport" but it's a losing battle. You insist simply: "We like to eat dark chocolate. Do have any that's arrived recently, that may not be discolored?" Him: "Je vois pas le rapport..." After another ten minutes of this, you finally head back home with a new bar of dark chocolate.

Moral: if you want to hang out with the French, you'd better be tenacious or very, very zen.

C'est du pipeau !

5. C'est du pipeau !
pronounced more or less: say dew pee po
The stress goes on the last syllable, "-peau": C'est du piPEAU !
Variant: C'est pas du pipeau ! / Ce n'est pas du pipeau ! These are simply negative forms of the expression, meaning something akin to: "And that's not just whistlin' Dixie, folks."
"Un pipeau" is a reed pipe (tin whistle) or a bird call.
Literal translation: "It's a bird call." / "It's a tin whistle."
Implications: C'est du pipeau implies that whatever was just said isn't true or at best a stretch of the imagination. It's roughly equivalent to the American English expressions, "what a load of rubbish" or, a bit more outdated, "it's strictly for the birds." It's sometimes used as well to indicate that, in the user's opinion (always the favored perspective), what is being referred to as "pipeau" is inconsequential, no big deal, about as important as...well, let's see...a tin whistle.
Remarks: This is a familiar, fairly high-frequency expression, in no way vulgar (sorry to disappoint).

Example One: You walk into your dining room and nearly drop to the floor when you see that someone has carved his initials into your beautiful mahogany dining table. A blood curdling J'hallucine !  escapes your lips. You suspect one of the kids in the household, and by "suspect," I mean that you're sure. Not having good parenting instincts, you call all the kids into the room in hopes of exposing the culprit and forcing a tearful, guilt-ridden confession. They all deny the act. Dumbfounded, you say: C'est du pipeau !!!! Mais j'hallucine ou quoi ?!!!
To no avail, of course. Eh bien !

PS: this example crosses cultures with no problem whatsoever. Just ask my brother, JS.

Example Two: "La Tour Eiffel bio, c'est du pipeau" ["an organic Eiffel Tower, yeah, sure, you betcha...not!"] That's what all the buzz was back in 2009 when the French were preparing, in celebration of the 120th anniversary of the Eiffel Tower, to re-paint the giant according to the organic norms set up for 2012. In fact, the paint used was identical to the paint used in 2001, no lead, but plenty of solvents, so... c'est du pipeau !

Franchement...

4. Franchement...
pronounced more or less: frahn cheuh mehn (3 distinct syllables) OR frahnch mehn (2 syllables)
The "an" and "ent" are nasalized: to produce the correct sound, don't let your tongue touch the roof of your mouth.
Variant: Mais franchement...
Literal translation: "Frankly"
Implications: "Oh come ON!" / "Oh PLEase..."
Remarks: When used to modify a verb, franchement is synonymous with forthrightness and sincerity: Elle parle franchement, exprime ouvertement ce qu'elle pense. = "She speaks frankly, openly expresses what she thinks." When franchement stands alone, however, it tends to express two basic positions that may overlap: surprise bordering on disbelief in the face of what was just done or said, and/or disapproval in the face of what was just done or said.

Examples: Earlier this week I was standing at the counter of the village boulangerie/épicerie, waiting to buy my bread. Just ahead of me was an elderly gentlemen who looks like he's somewhere around 120. He asked for 2 baguettes and a cigarette lighter. The boulanger placed the items on  the counter and announced: "3 euros 60, s'il vous plaît." The old guy had in his hand more than enough coins to cover the purchase, but kept getting them confused and coming up short. Each time the boulanger repeated: "Non, non, c'est 3 euros 60." Finally he took the correct amount from the wrinkled old hand and ended the purchase with a, "Merci, bonne journée" ("thanks, have a nice day"). Then he turned to me, rolled his eyes and said, "franchement." Meaning: "Geesh, can you believe that?!"

Well, let's think about it: Obviously the guy's been around for a while, so he's seen the old French franc traded in for the new French franc, which in turn was traded in -- fairly recently -- for the euro. Plus he's practically deaf and on top of that may have been thinking about the price of baguettes at the time of the French bread war.

I left the store muttering, "franchement..." Come now,  monsieur le boulanger, how could you be so insensitive?

Et alors ?

3. Et alors ?
pronounced more or less: Ay ah lohr
Essentially expresses one of two possible postures: 1) "So what? Why are you telling me this? It's not important... (to me)" or 2)"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand???!"
Literal translation: "And so?" / "And then?"
Implications: "Big deal (that would be of interest to me because...?)" or "would you please get to the point (if you have one)."
May be accompanied by a shoulder shrug and a disinterested or puzzled look.
Remark: "Et alors?" is not necessarily dismissive. The speaker may sincerely be asking for an explanation or for more information.

Example One: One summer evening we were out on the terrace, a bottle of champagne on the table and glasses in hand. The couple that lives upstairs -- lovely people on occasion albeit nombrilists par excellence -- stopped by to say hello on their way down the road to water their garden. Salut, salut, bisous, bisous...then we explained that we were celebrating the birth of my son's daughter. They don't know my son. Not missing a beat, and without a single comment or question, the gentleman expressed a disinterested "et alors?"and started talking about their grand-daughter, who was expecting a baby in September. Alas, a true story...

(The baby, by the way, is healthy, beautiful...and curious about life around her.)

Example Two: Imagine yourself out about town. You run into your former neighbors George and Georgette, whom you rarely see since moving. You catch up then fall silent, not really having anything to add but not quite ready to say goodbye to each other. George drops this by way of conversation: "that news on TV last night...wow! Jean-Marc won!" You don't have a television and don't know anyone named Jean-Marc, so you stand there waiting for George to continue, to explain. He doesn't. He's waiting for you to make a comment about the sensational news, which he assumes you know because he does. (Franchement...) Finally since nothing's clear or going anywhere, you say: "Et alors? What's the scoop? I don't have a TV and who's JM anyway?"... inviting George to go on with his story.

(Et bien oui, you guessed it, another true story: turns out that Jean-Marc is the son of a woman G&G knew in their childhood days. He and his wife just won big in the lottery.)

Et bien...?

2. Et bien...?
pronounced more or less: Ay b'yenh
Variation: Eh bien...?
The -en is nasalized: to produce the correct sound, don't let your tongue touch the roof of your mouth.

Essentially expresses a lack of surprise, but also acceptance of a situation as the (not necessarily agreeable) norm and therefore to be expected.
Literal translation: "And well...?"
Meaning: "Well, whad'ya expect after all?" tinged with "Whatchya gonna do?"
Often accompanied by a shoulder shrug, raised eyebrow and knowing look.
Implication: Everybody (especially me and apparently not so much you ) knows that that's the way it is. Why would we/should we expect otherwise and beside there's nothing we can do about it.

Example: Up until a few months ago, our small village, like other remote villages in France, was still living in the age of dial-up Internet connections (j'hallucine). The community finally installed a high speed system, but the job wasn't done properly (Et bien...?). Many homes found themselves and find themselves not only without a functional Internet connection, but also without phone service. So DSL technicians make the long trek up here several times a week to correct the problems and connect new customers. Each time a repair is made to link a new customer into the system, an already existing customer loses his service. We couldn't make any sense out of it till yesterday when a technician confessed that, given the way the system had been installed, the only way to connect a new client was to disconnect an old one. My reaction: J'hallucine! The reaction of the French villagers? Et bien...?
 

50 French ways to assume a (superior) position...

Mort Rosenblum quotes Victor Hugo as writing: "France, France, without you the world would be alone" (Mission to Civilize, HBJ 1986). Too bad we can't conjure up Hugo for more on his insider's take on the culture. My outsider-insider's point of view -- as an Anglophone who's been living in France for several years and who speaks fluent French -- is that the French are exquisitely talented nombrilistes, navel-gazers. They have a tendency to position culture, country and self (theirs) at the center, as the original reference, the ultimate first and last right word. True, illusion and conviction are not unique to the French. But the French pull it off convincingly, with panache. They have a flair for assuming a superior position. They have a flair for intimating, without actually pronouncing the words, that "it's so because I say it's so". A single word, or handful of words, delivered with aplomb, a gesture and a knowing look. Point made, discussion closed, go away, right now, so I can move on to something or someone of actual interest...

Numerous expressions in current French quickly and effectively convey an instant French reaction to a situation. This blog proposes to present fifty such expressions. Fifty ways to leave the other...momentarily speechless. Or if you are the other: fifty cultural-linguistic windows that may increase your flair and your fun with (the) French.

1. J'hallucine! 
pronounced more or less: jha - luy - seen
variant: NON MAIS j'hallucine! 
Essentially expresses enormous disbelief in what one hears or sees.
Literal translation: "I'm hallucinating!"
Implication: Whatever you just told me or whatever you just did/ whatever just happened/has just been said is way off base as far as my standards are concerned and no one in their right mind (me) would have/could have said or done such a thing.

Example One: You are attending a library conference. A respectful hush falls over the room when the host takes the microphone to present the guest speaker. The speaker takes the podium and begins her address. A few minutes into the speech, your hear a cell phone ring. It belongs to the person directly behind you, to your left. You don't really pay any attention to it; someone always forgets to turn off their phone... She's probably embarrassed, will switch it off and that will be that. But no! She takes the call. "Hello?" In a knee-jerk reaction, you let out an entirely inappropriate: "J'hallucine!" [= You've got to be kidding! = How can you be so rude?!]

Then, since she continues to converse with the caller, and you yourself are obviously as oblivious to social decorum as she, you look the phone offender right in the eye and announce with disgust: "NON MAIS j'hallucine!" [= What?! Were you raised by wolves, you barbarian?!]

You are both invited to leave the room.

Example Two: You're standing in the e-ticket line with your son at CDG Roissy. The well-dressed guy in back of you slides his expensive luggage alongside yours, then steps slightly in front of you, cutting in line. The line in which you've been waiting for over an hour. The line in which everybody else has been waiting for over an hour, too. Without a word, you simply resume your position in front of him. He does it again: slides his luggage up next to yours and steps slightly in front of you. You are amused by his audacity. You silently resume your place ahead of him. The same scenario plays out a few more times. The situation has become annoying. You look the guy squarely in the eye: J'hallucine! And that's the end of it.

Warning: j'hallucine is familiar French.