Non mais ça va pas ?!

14. Non mais ça va pas?!
pronounced more or less: nonh meh sah vah pah
Literal translation: no but that isn't going?
Variations: Ça va pas, non ?! / Non mais ça ne va pas ? / Ça va pas, la tête ?!
Meaning: What the heck is wrong with you anyway?!  / Are you nuts or what?!
Implications: The cover of Grégoire Solotareff's children's book says it all.

Auteur: Grégoire Solotareff / Editeur: Ecole de Loisirs

In case you're not a "picture-is-worth-a-thousand-words" kind of person: Non mais ça va pas immediately positions the speaker in unequivocal opposition to whatever was just said or done. Not only is s/he opposed, s/he is stunned by the stupidity, audacity or inappropriateness of the other. How to reply? Three options come to mind:
1) Nonchalantly shrug your shoulders while pronouncing an indifferent Et alors? Expect repercussions.
2) Apologize then explain calmly what you were thinking. (You'll probably be the only one listening.)
3) Skip the apology and go directly to a counter-attack and/or condescending lecture of why you’re right.



Example: Your village boulangerie-épicerie is closed for two weeks while the owners are on vacation, so you drive 50 kilometers to the nearest hypermarché for groceries. From the cheese aisle on one side of the store, you hear very clearly what an Anglo-Saxon couple on the other side of the store will be having for dinner that night. It's as if their conversation were being broadcast over the PA system. Cultural stereotype? Yes. Accurate? Also yes.

You head for that marvel of the French grocery store, the apéro aisle – an entire aisle of things to serve during the cocktail hour. A French woman is discretely chatting with a friend. By the time she turns her attention back to her shopping cart, her child has filled it with all kinds of chips. “Non mais ça va pas ?!” she explodes with a smack of her hand, just like too many parents in too many places. Discretion be hanged. You hear yourself fire right back at her: Non mais franchement, madame, ça ne va pas ?!

Who’s the elephant and who’s the crocodile?

Je rigole !

13. Je rigole !
pronounced more or less: zheuh ree gul
Literal translation: I laugh, I'm laughing.
Variations: Mais non, je rigole ! / Non, mais vous rigolez !
Meaning: Je rigole ! / Mais non, je rigole ! =  "I'm joking." or "I'm just kidding."
               Non, mais vous rigolez ! = "You're kidding, right?" or "You've got to be kidding!"

"Rigoler" is a regular -er verb, synonymous with rire, though more familiar. English equivalents are: 1) to laugh ; 2) to speak lightheartedly, to joke around.

Implications: Je rigole is sometimes used to whitewash a slip of the tongue, to soften a deliberately nasty comment and, just as often, to signal that you're teasing.
Remarks: In the first case, je rigole functions as a "have your cake and eat it too" expression: say what you really mean, then say you didn't mean it. It's the conversational equivalent of a courtroom motion to strike, where despite the judge's instructing the jury to disregard what it has heard, they (the jurors) inevitably retain the information. Used this way, je rigole is the poor cousin of the more elegant double-entendre, a form of speech widely used and appreciated in French culture for centuries. Patrice Leconte's film Ridicule is packed with examples.

Example One (just kidding – really): Early one Sunday afternoon we were sitting in the garden reading after lunch. It was a perfect lazy day: blue skies, nothing pressing to do, no one around aside the occasional car or hikers on their way up to St. Marcel de Fontfouillouse. We were half asleep so didn't hear the gate open. Suddenly our friends Christiane and Vincent were there, apologizing for not being on time. We're so sorry; we ran into friends at the market and one thing led to another. You know how it is... Their voices trailed off as they sat down. We looked at each other, perplexed and speechless. What were they late for? Lunch? Vincent burst out laughing: Non, mais on rigole ! We were out for a drive and thought we'd stop in to say hi.

Example Two (you'd better be kidding): Our little boulangerie-épicerie is located in the same building as the village library. The boulanger, Pascal, is an occasionally gregarious fellow that tends to tweak the truth when it suits his needs (je ne rigole pas). Today he's telling me that he can no longer afford to pay for the internet connection he needs for tracking the magazines and newspapers he sells – as a service to the village. He adds that he owns the building, lets the village use the bottom floor for the library (not entirely true), and so should be able to use the library's wifi connection, paid for by the Conseil municipal. He omits that he and the mayor have already gone the rounds on this and that the mayor has turned him down due to supposed legal issues: the library is a public service, the store is a commercial enterprise... Pascal asks me to check the wifi signal for him from within the store. I volunteer as village librarian, have all the library keys, know all the confidential codes. I take the path of least resistance and check the signal. Pascal interprets this as sympathy for his cause. He looks me in the eye and announces that since I'm headed back towards the Mairie, I can stop in and inform the mayor that we've worked everything out, that the wifi signal is strong in the store, and that all he needs now are the codes. I have absolutely no authority to make that decision. Yes indeed, the signal is strong: I'm supposed to be gullible enough to do this. My response? "Non, mais tu rigoles !" Pascal looks me over and erases the entire proposition with a, "Mais bien sûr je rigole! Je rigole !"