50 French ways to assume a (superior) position...

Mort Rosenblum quotes Victor Hugo as writing: "France, France, without you the world would be alone" (Mission to Civilize, HBJ 1986). Too bad we can't conjure up Hugo for more on his insider's take on the culture. My outsider-insider's point of view -- as an Anglophone who's been living in France for several years and who speaks fluent French -- is that the French are exquisitely talented nombrilistes, navel-gazers. They have a tendency to position culture, country and self (theirs) at the center, as the original reference, the ultimate first and last right word. True, illusion and conviction are not unique to the French. But the French pull it off convincingly, with panache. They have a flair for assuming a superior position. They have a flair for intimating, without actually pronouncing the words, that "it's so because I say it's so". A single word, or handful of words, delivered with aplomb, a gesture and a knowing look. Point made, discussion closed, go away, right now, so I can move on to something or someone of actual interest...

Numerous expressions in current French quickly and effectively convey an instant French reaction to a situation. This blog proposes to present fifty such expressions. Fifty ways to leave the other...momentarily speechless. Or if you are the other: fifty cultural-linguistic windows that may increase your flair and your fun with (the) French.

1. J'hallucine! 
pronounced more or less: jha - luy - seen
variant: NON MAIS j'hallucine! 
Essentially expresses enormous disbelief in what one hears or sees.
Literal translation: "I'm hallucinating!"
Implication: Whatever you just told me or whatever you just did/ whatever just happened/has just been said is way off base as far as my standards are concerned and no one in their right mind (me) would have/could have said or done such a thing.

Example One: You are attending a library conference. A respectful hush falls over the room when the host takes the microphone to present the guest speaker. The speaker takes the podium and begins her address. A few minutes into the speech, your hear a cell phone ring. It belongs to the person directly behind you, to your left. You don't really pay any attention to it; someone always forgets to turn off their phone... She's probably embarrassed, will switch it off and that will be that. But no! She takes the call. "Hello?" In a knee-jerk reaction, you let out an entirely inappropriate: "J'hallucine!" [= You've got to be kidding! = How can you be so rude?!]

Then, since she continues to converse with the caller, and you yourself are obviously as oblivious to social decorum as she, you look the phone offender right in the eye and announce with disgust: "NON MAIS j'hallucine!" [= What?! Were you raised by wolves, you barbarian?!]

You are both invited to leave the room.

Example Two: You're standing in the e-ticket line with your son at CDG Roissy. The well-dressed guy in back of you slides his expensive luggage alongside yours, then steps slightly in front of you, cutting in line. The line in which you've been waiting for over an hour. The line in which everybody else has been waiting for over an hour, too. Without a word, you simply resume your position in front of him. He does it again: slides his luggage up next to yours and steps slightly in front of you. You are amused by his audacity. You silently resume your place ahead of him. The same scenario plays out a few more times. The situation has become annoying. You look the guy squarely in the eye: J'hallucine! And that's the end of it.

Warning: j'hallucine is familiar French.